So my “neighbors” think I’m a pedo.

But I’m not.

I was walking to the grocery store last night to get some food and a beer, so I could celebrate the weekend. I was tired from Bloomsday and I had an empty cupboard.

As I walk down to the store, I pass the neighborhood property value mitigation four-plex. I don’t know the people that live there. I have never met, nor do I want to meet these people.

Anyway, I’m walking to the store, and I am staring at their piece of shit Daewoo, wondering how the fuck they managed to damage it in that particular way. Was it a fire? Somebody hit it with a sledge? I’m genuinely curious. So I’m staring at the car, wondering, and I’m walking, and I’m sort of zoning out. I was tired after all. I had spent all day in the sun and I ran 12 kilometers in the morning.

“HEY! What are you staring at?!” I hear. That shakes my stupor. “You staring at my kid, I’ll call the cops!” I hear. Oh. I realize she’s yelling at me. I laugh, shake my head in disbelief, and keep walking.

But I can’t help it. If I were close enough to have responded, what would I have said?

My guess, if I had the nerve:

No, I wasn’t staring at your kid. Here in Washington, we don’t assume our neighbors are sex-offenders. Maybe wherever shit-hole Latah County town you moved away from is that way, but not here. Grow the fuck up.

I was staring at your car, and wondering just exactly what the fuck you did to damage that shit-box in that way. I was wondering how you can afford to let that shitty Chevy pickup behind it just idle away like that. I was wondering just how many ways you can manage to lower the median property values of this neighborhood just by living here.

So please, learn to live like a proper civilized person. Stop assuming the worst of people. And register your fucking cars.

But honestly, I don’t have the nerve. So I just write blog posts instead. It’s probably better that way.

(I apologize to the residents of Latah county that don’t fit the stereotype I give to Idahoan in this post. My neighbors aren’t helping you with that burden.)