The Network Card: An Epic Drama
"The network card". An epic drama starring: T.J. Maher - a young, aspiring UNIX system administrator. Claudio - his not so symphatetic boss.
T.J. enters Claudio's office.
T.J:: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The boss does not respond.)
T.J.: 'Ello, Miss?
Claudio: What do you mean "miss"?
T.J.:
Claudio: We're closin' for lunch.
T.J.: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this network card.
Claudio: Oh yes, the, uh, the Linksys...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
T.J.: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Claudio: No, no, It's uh,...it's resting.
T.J.: Look, matey, I know a dead network card when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Claudio: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable card, the Linksys, innit, ay? Beautiful plumage!
T.J.: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Claudio: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
T.J.: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting) 'Ello, Mister Linksys NIC! I've got a lovely fresh network cable for you if you show...(Claudio hits the card)
Claudio: There, it moved!
T.J.: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the card!
Claudio: I never!!
T.J.: Yes, you did!
Claudio: I never, never did anything...
T.J.: (yelling and hitting the card repeatedly) 'ELLO LINKYS!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes card and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
T.J.: Now that's what I call a dead network card.
Claudio: No, no.....No, It's stunned!
T.J.: STUNNED?!?
Claudio: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! Linksys stun easily, major.
T.J.: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That card is definitely deceased, and when you gave it to me not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of functioning was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged TCP/IP-session.
Claudio: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the motherboard.
T.J.: PININ' for the MOTHERBOARD?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it the lights on it stop blinking the moment I connected the network cable?
Claudio: The Linksys prefer not blinking too much! Remarkable card, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
T.J.: Look, I took the liberty of examining that card, and I discovered the only reason that it had been blinking in the first place was that you connected batteries to it.
(pause)
Claudio: Well, o'course I connected batteries to it! If I hadn't, it would have gotten all it's power from the power supply which obviously would have been too much for it, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
T.J.: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this card wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Claudio: No no! It's pining!
T.J.: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This card is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-NIC!!
(pause)
Claudio: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind his desk)
Claudio: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back, and uh, we're right out of network cards.
T.J.: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Claudio:
(pause)
T.J.: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it communicate with other machines through a network cable?
Claudio: Nnnnot really.
T.J.: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
T.J. leaves Caludio's office and starts dusting off his C.V.
© copyright, 1999, Anne Catherine Archer
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