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Lawyers typically aren't funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The
following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records
nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm
of Johnson & Hatch.
- - -----

Q:  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
   a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
   instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
   witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr.
   Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
   watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
   were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
   go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
   station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
   that time?

JUDGE:  I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open
mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No.
   2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
   impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
   immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
   cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
   the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
   me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike
the next question."

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
   but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
   Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
   doing an autopsy!
   
Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange--this one involving
a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.