Academy of Saint Gabriel April Fool's Letter 2002
Academy of Saint Gabriel April Fool's Letter 2002
It's probably worth explaining that in mid-March 2002, s-gabriel.org was
down for about a week.
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 21:55:16 -0500 (EST)
From: gabriel@panix.com
Subject: Client 2538: Jane [NAM][ARA][BYZ][ENG][FIN][FRE][GER][IRI][ITA][JAP][JEW][LOW][NOR][ROM][RUS][EEU][SCO][SPA][SWE][WEL][OTH][EFFRICK][MARI][ZENOBIA]
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 10:12:03 -0800 (PST)
From: whitewitch@celtictwilight.org
Original-Subject: my name
To: academy@s-gabriel.org
My persona is a 13th century Gypsy witch in Wales. For the past 30
years, I've been using the name Gwen Calliope -- I'm a musician, of
course -- and I sell musical instruments as Calliope Creations, so I
have to include that in my name. Can I put a calliope in my coat of
arms?
Thanks ever so much! You folks are great!!
Gwen (I hope)
===**===**===
All things are one!
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 13:12:10 -0500 (EST)
From: MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
<academy@s-gabriel.org>: Name service error for s-gabriel.org: Host not found.
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 12:40:16 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
Oh dear! Doesn't my name work AT ALL??? I guess I don't HAVE to be
Gwen, though I'll have to re-paint my pavilion. And re-weave the
tapestry in my dining room. But that's OK! I do have a second
persona that I used for a while in the early 80s. She's my main
persona's ancestor, a Gypsy witch in 8th century Switzerland -- I come
from a line of Gypsy witches that I've traced back to he sack of Rome
by the Vandals -- and her name is Heidi die Kalliopehexe. I know the
last part is fine; but I'm not sure how far back they used Heidi.
And I was wondering if I could put three red foxes around the calliope
on my shield?
Thanks again.
Heidi (I like it!)
===**===**===
All things in balance.
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 12:41:01 -0500
From: MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
<academy@s-gabriel.org>: Name service error for s-gabriel.org: Host not found.
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 16:11:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Re: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
Well, maybe that doesn't work either but at least you could explain
WHY!!! Returning it without any explanation isn't very honorable.
Well, when I first started back in 79, I called myself Moira Calliope
MacIntyre of Troy. She was a druid priestess who travelled to Rome
and was the personal confessor of Helen of Troy. I changed it because
I wasn't sure if <MacIntyre> would work that early. What do you
think?
And if I'm going to revive that persona, I'll need to put a
crenellated border around the foxes. For the walls of Troy. Do you
think that symbolism will be clear?
Thanks again.
Moira (it's OK)
===**===**===
All things will pass.
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Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 16:18:23 -0500
From: MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
<academy@s-gabriel.org>: Name service error for s-gabriel.org: Host not found.
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Date: Wed, 13 Mar 2002 06:31:15 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
God, what's with you folks! Do you spend events analyzing the
stitching on people's underwear? I spent the last three days at the
library researching a name and persona, OK? And I'm pretty happy with
it cause it's an anagram of my mother's maiden name, Caroline Hope
Romano.
Erin O'Caliope Mhoran
I'm hoping it's OK to drop one of the l's in Calliope. I put together
Mhoran from an Irish dictionary and I put in the 'h' after reading
your article on lenitting! I'm so excited! I feel like I'm starting
all over in the SCA, just like a newbie!!
And I'll need to add a harp for Ireland in my arms. Where do you
think it would fit best?
===**===**===
All things will heal.
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Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2002 06:35:57 -0500
From: MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail Delivery System)
Subject: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
<academy@s-gabriel.org>: Name service error for s-gabriel.org: Host not found.
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Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 04:17:00 -0800 (PST)
To: academy@s-gabriel.org
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Undelivered Mail Returned to Sender
You authenticity types are all the same and you're destroying
everything that makes the SCA good! I couldn't bring myself to reply
to your last note until today....I was too upset!!
All right, if you can't DEAL WITH any creativity at all -- it is the
Society for ***CREATIVE*** Anachronism, you know -- then I'll just
call myself Jane, OK? Is that GOOD ENOUGH for you? Just Jane. Plain
old Jane. Nothing fancy, nothing special, just boring JANE!! OK WITH
YOU????????
Jane Seymour.
===**===**===
All things will die.
===**===**===
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Action: Comments from Arval, 1 Apr 2002 22:31
Accept.
*pulls up obscure Japanese source no one's ever heard of before*
Here ya go! Jane, right here. All period. Whaddya know?!
Never ever seen it in England before though. hmph.
Galiana
> Action: Comments from Arval, 1 Apr 2002 22:31
>
> Accept.
Someone has _way_ too much time on his hands.
Tangwystyl
I laughed, I cried, I remembered the date. Then I laughed again. I hope I
got that right.
Adelais
From: Ursula Georges
Subject: Client 2538: Jane [NAM][ARA][BYZ][ENG][FIN][FRE][GER][IRI][ITA][JAP][JEW][LOW][NOR][ROM][RUS][EEU][SCO][SPA][SWE][WEL][OTH][EFFRICK][MARI][ZENOBIA]-- Draft 1
Pronunciations?
I included all my references first round. Ah, the pride.
I need more information on <Nothing fancy, nothing special>, <plain old>,
and <just>.
Have I cited [3] correctly, or should I use a different title?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings from the Academy of Saint Gabriel!
You asked whether <Just Jane>, <Plain Old Jane>, or <Nothing fancy, nothing
special, just boring JANE> were appropriate names for a Gypsy woman living
in Ireland, Troy, Rome, or Wales before the year 1600 AD. Here is what we
have found.
We found no evidence that <Jane> was used by gypsies in Ireland, Troy,
Rome, or Wales in your period. However, it was used in Japan before 1600
AD. [1]
Names with three elements were very common in ancient Rome; two-element and
five-element names were less common throughout the galaxy during your time
period. [6] We thus recommend that you use <Plain Old Jane>. [5]
We noticed that you used the name <Jane Seymour> to sign your letter. We'd
like to recommend that you avoid this name. The explanation for our
reasoning will be slightly complicated: please bear with us.
We found the byname <Seymour> only once in period; it belonged to <Jane
Seymour>, the third wife of Henry VIII, whom he married in order to
encourage greater trade with Japan after his break with the Catholic Church
made inter-European commerce difficult for England. [2] We believe that
<Seymour> would not have been used by another person due to a phenomenon
known as {!Unique Naming of Important Historical Figures!}. This term
details a practice in which particularly important women, especially those
with a connection to well-trained non-European forces, employed assassins
to destroy children who used bynames they had chosen for themselves, in
order to remain more uniquely memorable. [3, 4]
In summary, <Plain Old Jane> is a fine name for an ancient Roman Japanese
Gypsy woman. <Just Jane> and <Nothing fancy, nothing special, just boring
JANE> are possible, but less likely; we advise that you do not use <Jane
Seymour>.
I hope this letter has been useful. Please write us again if any part of it
has been unclear or if you have other questions. I was assisted in
researching and writing this letter by MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail
Delivery System), Aryanhwy merch Catmael, Galiana de Baiona, Adelais de
Savigney, Tangwystyl verch Morgant Glasvryn, Juliana la Caminante de
Navarra, Arval Benicoeur, Juliana de Luna, and the Archangel Gabriel.
For the Academy,
Ursula Georges
11 April 2002
References:
[1] Private communication from Galiana de Baiona.
[2] Private communication from the writers of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
[3] Private communication from the Angel Gabriel.
[4] Since the SCA College of Heralds is in on this age-old conspiracy,
they may not register this name.
[5] Horatius Flaccus, _Latin is Fun_ (New York: Something or Other, 2005.)
s.n. Plain Old.
[6] Flaccus, p. iii.
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 21:13:59 -0400
From: mittle@panix.com (Josh Mittleman)
Subject: Re: Client 2538: Jane [NAM][ARA][BYZ][ENG][FIN][FRE][GER][IRI][ITA][JAP][JEW] [LOW][NOR][ROM][RUS][EEU][SCO][SPA][SWE][WEL][OTH][EFFRICK] [MARI][ZENOBIA]-- Draft 1
> Pronunciations?
\PLAIN OLD JANE\, where \AI\ represents the vowel in <plain>.
\DJ%s{T} JANE\. \%\ is a vowel used only by toothless yak-herds in certain
mountain valleys in Nepal; suggest that the client fly there to ask for
help.
> I need more information on <Nothing fancy, nothing special>...
This is a Romano-Romany multiple metronymic. However, it is entirely
inappropriate for a Society name: Medieval Rom revealed their metronymics
only under extreme torture.
> Have I cited [3] correctly, or should I use a different title?
Gabriel, Archangel, Private Communication (Bethlehem: Second Coming
Communications, 2002).
> Names with three elements were very common in ancient Rome; two-element and
> five-element names were less common throughout the galaxy during your time
> period. [6]
Cite Douglas Adams, Galactic Onomastics, v.17, no.4, pp.13-79.
> We found the byname <Seymour> only once in period; it belonged to <Jane
> Seymour>, the third wife of Henry VIII, whom he married in order to
> encourage greater trade with Japan after his break with the Catholic Church
> made inter-European commerce difficult for England. [2]
We need to discuss Japanese name construction in excrutiating detail here.
I recommend including the full text of reports 2009, 2019, 2118, 2346,
2384, and every third word of report 232.
> This term details a practice in which particularly important women,
> especially those with a connection to well-trained non-European forces,
> employed assassins to destroy children who used bynames they had chosen
> for themselves, in order to remain more uniquely memorable. [3, 4]
Sorry, we can't say this. It doesn't even begin to meet the Academy's
intellectual standard. There is no way we can allow this to go out under
our imprimatur unless you change it to "...with _connections_ to
well-trained non-European forces..."
But I definitely don't think you need another draft. You can finalize this
whenever you like.
Arval
>> Names with three elements were very common in ancient
>> Rome; two-element and five-element names were less common
>> throughout the galaxy during your time period. [6]
> Cite Douglas Adams, Galactic Onomastics, v.17, no.4,
> pp.13-79.
Typo: no.42
Talan
ACADEMY OF SAINT GABRIEL REPORT 2538
************************************
25 Apr 2002
Greetings from the Academy of Saint Gabriel!
You asked whether <Just Jane>, <Plain Old Jane>, or <Nothing fancy, nothing
special, just boring JANE> were appropriate names for a Gypsy woman living
in Ireland, Troy, Rome, or Wales before the year 1600 AD. Here is what we
have found.
We found no evidence that <Jane> was used by gypsies in Ireland, Troy,
Rome, or Wales in your period. However, it was used in Japan before 1600
AD. [1]
Names with three elements were very common in ancient Rome; two-element and
five-element names were less common throughout the galaxy during your time
period. [6, 7] In particular, the multiple-element name <Nothing fancy,
nothing special, just boring JANE> functions as a multiple metronymic, or a
name that identified the bearer's maternal ancestors. Since medieval
members of Romano-Romany bands admitted their mothers' names only under
extreme torture, such a name is inappropriate for your purposes. [9] We
thus recommend that you use <Plain Old Jane>. [5]
We noticed that you used the name <Jane Seymour> to sign your letter. We'd
like to recommend that you avoid this name. The explanation for our
reasoning will be slightly complicated: please bear with us.
We found the byname <Seymour> only once in period; it belonged to <Jane
Seymour>, the third wife of Henry VIII, whom he married in order to
encourage greater trade with Japan after his break with the Catholic Church
made inter-European commerce difficult for England. [2] We believe that
<Seymour> would not have been used by another person due to a phenomenon
known as {!Unique Naming of Important Historical Figures!}. This term
details a practice in which particularly important women, especially those
with some connection to well-trained non-European forces, employed
assassins to destroy children who used bynames they had chosen for
themselves, in order to remain more uniquely memorable. [3, 4]
Putting things together, we find that <Plain Old Jane> is a fine name for
an ancient Roman Japanese Gypsy woman. This name was pronounced \PLAIN OLD
JANE\, where \AI\ represents the vowel in <plain>. <Just Jane> is possible
but less likely. We believe that this name was pronounced \DJ%s{T} JANE\,
where \%\ is a vowel used only by toothless yak-herds in certain mountain
valleys in Nepal. [8] We advise that you do not use <Nothing fancy,
nothing special, just boring JANE> or <Jane Seymour>.
I hope this letter has been useful. Please write us again if any part of it
has been unclear or if you have other questions. I was assisted in
researching and writing this letter by MAILER-DAEMON@panix.com (Mail
Delivery System), Aryanhwy merch Catmael, Galiana de Baiona, Adelais de
Savigney, Tangwystyl verch Morgant Glasvryn, Juliana la Caminante de
Navarra, Arval Benicoeur, Juliana de Luna, Maridonna Benvenuti, Talan
Gwynek, and the Archangel Gabriel.
For the Academy,
Ursula Georges
25 April 2002
References:
[1] Private communication from Galiana de Baiona.
[2] Private communication from the writers of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
[3] Private communication from the Angel Gabriel.
[4] Since the SCA College of Heralds is in on this age-old conspiracy,
they may not register this name.
[5] Horatius Flaccus, _Latin is Fun_ (New York: Something or Other, 2005.)
s.n. Plain Old.
[6] Flaccus, p. iii.
[7] Douglas Adams, _Galactic Onomastics_, (Alpha Centauri: Centaur Press,
1990) vol. xlii, no. 4, pp. 13-79.
[8] For further clarification, we recommend you fly to Nepal and seek out
a native toothless yak speaker.
[9] Arval Benicoeur, "A Simultaneous Onomastic Analysis of Multiple
Metronymics and Modern Torture Devices" (WWW: privately published, 1881)
http://www.s-gabriel.org/names/arval/utterly_nonexistent/