Mood: Warm.
Music: Everybody Knows, Concrete Blonde.
Game: World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, Guild Wars.
Book: Mirrorshades, Various.
Muffin: Strawberry-Sweet Plum.
Punchline: Nothing amusing...
Woke up with the alarm clock at 6:45am...and promptly decided to sleep through it. Woke up again at 7:30am...but the thermometer showed 84 degrees on the wall. I stood there wondering what to do, and then I crawled back onto my bed. I finally pried myself out of bed at 8:30am...which is about a half hour after I need to leave for work to be later than I should be getting to work.
When I got out of bed and showered and such, I felt almost human, save for the distinctly tropical feel in my apartment. I hate leaving my apartment feeling like I need a shower already. When I left my front door, I turned left, as I always do...and noticed a mess of emergency vehicles. Figured a car accident or something...yellow tape and such, EMS vehicle, cops milling around.
Now, I know a little something about accident sites. I know that if it's pretty much over, the cops mill around, people stand around looking, and there's no real urgency. Fender benders happen all the time. The EMS guys are talking to some guy who hurt his head or chest or something, and the cops are talking to witnesses.
In this case, the EMS guys aren't doing anything but talking to cops, and the cops are not really doing anything. This is the indication that whatever's happened is over...and not always in a good way.
As I got closer to the scene, I saw the blue ripstop sheet covering something on the ground and a mangled bicycle against the curb. And then the leg poking out from under the sheet.
This is NOT the way to start a day. It just isn't. It isn't the way for that cyclist to have started his. It's not the way for the driver of the other vehicle to start their day. Not the way for cops or EMS guys to start theirs. It certainly wasn't the way for me to start mine.
Now, don't get me wrong...I don't get all sick and such from events like this. I've seen stuff like this before...and many far worse. I handle this stuff pretty well, really. But it's still not something I wanted to deal with this morning. It puts all the wrong signals in your head. It sets your mood, and adjusts priorities.
I don't really want to think too heavily on the guy under the sheet. That'll definitely wreck my productivity today. If I seem callous, it's not callousness. It's detachment necessary to function...and that detachment is something I am all too familiar with. I spent years being detached from my life and surrounding activities...to the point of losing a fiancee, a job, my sanity.
And when things like this happen, the shields come up, the shells go on, the armor tightens...and I feel like I'm in Tokyo. Observing, but not feeling. Forcing myself not to feel. It takes a force of will to remove the shields again. I spent the last three years dismantling them...communicating more, getting involved more. Ridding myself of learned instinctive behavior to function in a bad situation.
I am sitting at my desk, with lists of things to complete running through my head...and no emotion. I have been willing myself to feel something...and it's very slow in coming. The few people I've come in contact with have been met with blank stares, no emotion. The guy who is all smiles at the muffin shop asked what was wrong...I guess my expression was pretty odd. I forced a smile at him...but he suggested that I just try to enjoy the day. I didn't resent the comment...but I wondered intellectually if that were possible today.
I am OK. I think I've forgotten how fast the shields come up when they have to...and how fast I slip into this mode. I hate this mode. I know it's necessary sometimes...as long as it goes away when it's no longer necessary.
For now, I'll just take advantage of it, and be productive, and get things done.
Hello, Thursday.
Posted by Glenn at June 9, 2005 10:49 AM