My Corner of the Interweb

I know EXACTLY what she means.

Mood: I don't know.
Music: Gimme Shelter, Rolling Stones.
Game: World of Warcraft, COD2, Dungeons and Dragons Online (Khyber Server), GR:Advanced Warfighter
Book: Beginning PHP5, Apache, MySQL Web Development, Naramore, Gerner, et al
Weather: 48 degrees, clear.
Jobs applied to today: 0.

I read a lot of blogs, really. I don't know why I do...I just do. I think it's because I like seeing what's in other peoples' heads...especially people who I think are literate, intelligent, well-spoken. In a lot of ways, I really enjoy their courage to say whatever they're thinking.

I don't know how many of them pre-censor their thoughts...I think I do a little bit. I know who might be reading, and I don't really want to give it all away...you know? Does that make me less than honest? Am I somehow violating the unspoken rules for personal bloggers?

In any case, one of the blogs I've found relatively recently is Hiromi X. I have no idea how I managed to find her blog...usually, I find blogs by bouncing from other blogs' links or such. At this point, I have no idea how I got to hers. But today, she posted something that made me say "I feel that."

Hiromi X, 14 March, 2006.

I know EXACTLY how she feels. I sometimes feel that there are a lot more people living on that edge than we all let on. As for myself? I've been living on that edge for far too long.

My brother is married, has a job which he may or may not like, a kid who is past adorable, a house in the suburbs, two cars, and whatever else comes with it. He undoubtedly has a 401K which has been accumulating since he graduated college, a manageable debt....

I, on the other hand, am engaged for years, just moved to a new city, rent an apartment which I'm using my retirement savings to live in at the moment, no job...pretty much the antithesis of my brother. Which isn't really surprising if you know both of us. But my debt, while just recently manageable, is pretty impressive...and I have little to nothing to show for it.

I know I've never been any good with money...this isn't really surprising to me any more. I think a big part of it is my total arrogance...I can't ever believe that I can't make more money. Like, "of course I can find a job and make whatever money I need to get out of debt." I'm not sure that it isn't a coping mechanism. I'm not sure it isn't a lie, at this point, either.

I mean, I've been unemployed for going on four months. I've been looking...seriously looking. I can't even find a job I'd want, much less one that's throwing money at me. I sort of wonder if I didn't completely destroy my sense of reality by being a party to the internet boom. I suspect it only exacerbated an already fermenting attitude of wanton cavalierness regarding my financial state. I have always believed I could make whatever money I needed...I have always believed that I could, and WOULD, retire early. I would bust my ass for whatever period of time, and then, at the end, I would be retired, and do nothing.

Well, I did the busting my ass part...and I even made a lot of money. But it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to...and now I'm cashing in my 401k (AGAIN) to pay my rent. You would think that I would have figured this out the last time I cashed in my 401k. I guess my self-confidence has it's price.

If all of this seems morose...I'm not unhappy. I'm trying to look rationally at where I am. I think reading Hiromi's blog made me kind of face it. I'm not on my own in this situation, I don't think. I don't know how many of you understand where I'm coming from. You could all be just like my brother. I suppose I could be the odd man out.

But reading Hiromi's blog makes me realize that I'm not completely on my own here.

I am definitely on a timer now, though. I have no more savings after the 401k.

Hello, razor's edge.

There. No censoring. I'm proud of that.

Posted by Glenn at March 14, 2006 11:02 AM