Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!
A letter to Ann Landers
24 March 1999: Wake Up and
Smell the Coffee
I received the
following note over the email transom. As a regular reader of Ms. Landers, I was
more than appalled. The activist plea, the letter, and inevitably, my instant
response to her via her website.
I don't
support marriage (same sex or not) but I support writing letters to the
homophobic and bigoted Ann Landers...
Of
interest to activists supporting the right to same-sex marriage... Ann Landers
came out against allowing children at such ceremony's in yesterday's paper.
Following is the text of the letter and her
response.
Dear
Ann:
My husband and I have
been married for 15 years. We have a wonderful marriage and two terrific
children. The problem I am writing about involves my husband's brother. He is
gay.
"Rick" is a great
person and a devoted uncle to our children. Until now, we haven't had a problem
with Rick or his live-in companion, "Dennis." Our children think of Dennis as
their uncle's friend. The two of them have been together for 20 years.
Everything was fine until Rick and Dennis decided to get "married" and asked our
9-year-old daughter to be the flower girl at their
wedding.
I am raising my
children to believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. I
do not want my daughter to participate in Rick's wedding. My husband feels the
same way. In fact, he doesn't even want to go. So far, the only comment my
daughter has made is "I am too old to be a flower
girl."
I am not prejudiced
against gay people, Ann, but I do not condone that lifestyle, either. Please
tell me what to do.
--Dilemma in the Dairy
State
Dear Dilemma:
Gay couples who
wish to have a ceremony to celebrate their union should not be asking a
9-year-old to participate. It would be too confusing. A service for those in the
inner circle would be OK, but please, no
children.
Tell
your brother-in-law that your daughter will not be
participating.
(P.S.
I agree with her that a 9-year-old is a bit beyond the "flower girl"
range.)
Dear
Ann,
I am appalled at your homophobic
reaction to "Dilemma in the Dairy," wherein you think it is inappropriate for a
nine-year-old to not attend her beloved uncle's gay marriage
ceremony.
Children are a lot smarter than
you think. If she's as close to her gay uncle as her mother says she is, she
probably already knows that uncle's friend is more than a
friend.
The "problem" is not that they
gay couple want their niece their. The problem is that the woman didn't see the
gay relationship as a problem until they gay couple demanded equal footing, and
the parents clearly never leveled with their
daughter.
Like I said, children are
pretty smart, and they know a loving couple when they see it, regardless of the
gender pairings. Parents teach them what's right and wrong, what's legitimate,
and what is not. Perhaps if parents weren't so terrified of sexual issues, they
wouldn't pass along discomfort and homophobia to future generations. At a time
when gay people are still being killed simply for being gay, isn't it time to
start teaching kids to value loving relationships regardless of their
orientation?
Kids are smarter than you
think. They are born open and loving. Adults teach them to limit, separate, and
hate. The closet is a convenience for the straight couple, not the gay
one.
--Seth J. Bookey
New York City
Posted: Wed - March 24, 1999 at 02:16 AM