No Cause for Alarm

Are you worried?

Don't be.

There really is no cause for alarm.

This is a local rant, not a link to a Web site with the latest bad news, carefully presented to avoid panic--or, for that matter, to the latest trivial concern, dressed up to make people worry.

"There is no cause for alarm" is one of those phrases, like "Government officials deny," that has been used so often that it isn't just meaningless, it tends to produce the opposite effect from that intended.

At this point, I suspect a television network could start a panic by simply noting that "A high-placed official, who declined to be named for this story, assured our reporters that there is absolutely no cause for alarm. The situation is under control." The choice of headline to run that under is almost irrelevant, but something about a new insect-borne disease or possible poison in the food supply would probably be effective. For television, since there have to be pictures, I'd suggest photos of empty streets, even if they're empty because it's the business district at 4 a.m. on a Sunday.

It might be interesting to drop the same code phrases into the sports pages, preferably in a completely ordinary story:

Anytown Heroes Lose Third Straight!

Reacting to the latest defeat by their long-time rivals, the Nowhere Schmucks, a team official, who declined to be named, assured us that there is no cause for alarm, and that the team has not given up on its playoff chances. He reminded fans that their support is crucial if the team is to recover its morale.

Comments welcome, as always: vr@redbird.org.