I can do no more than quote America’s Finest News Source, “Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Sh%$s No Longer Worth It:

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time.

“We remain committed to providing every student in the country with access to a high-quality education,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that good schools are a key component to the success of American democracy. “But to be honest, none of that matters. We’re not talking about promising young scholars here—we’re talking about a bunch of f%$#ing animals.”

“We’ve basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards,” Duncan continued. “Not to mention 18 years of my life.”

This is perhaps the most prescient article that The Onion has published since January, 2001, when it wrote, “Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’.