Net.flame Public vs. Assorted Religous Zanies

 
<Fade in on Banging of Gavels>
 
Yes,  live from a damp apartment somewhere in Wallingford, it's
 
                **** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT ****
 
Today's case is the Net.flame Public vs. Assorted Religous Zanies. 
Let's listen in...
 
Baliff:  "All rise for Judge Moriarty Wapner!"
 
JMW (staring intently at his terminal, and muttering to himself): "How
come nobody mentions 'Mr. Terrific'?  Now *there* was great 60's
TV!..."  (looks up) "Whoops!  Baliff, bring in the defendants."
 
[Note to trivia fans: Judge Moriarty looks NOTHING like Harry Anderson]
 
(Baliff opens door to let a swarm of about 20 vague theologians into
the courtroom.  Each is clutching several volumes of religious theory
to their breasts and looking heavenward for something).
 
JMW:  "Red, read the charges."
 
Baliff:  "Posting articles to net.flame with no flame content. 
Quibbling over theological issues which hold no interest to the vast
unwashed audience of net.flame.  Arguing endlessly on Mormon's cult
status, and whether Brigham Young really deserved their #1 football
ranking."
 
JMW:  "Ah, a general boredom case.  Usually, the laws set up by the
founders of Usenet..."
        (Music from 'THE TEN COMMANDMENTS' swells...)
                "...keep this kind of discussion in it's proper place,
net.religion.  But, yea, occasionally the sheep do stray, and they
enter the Land of the Eternal Flame, where the inhabitants live off of
witty and volitile repostes.  And they do procreate, and fill the Land
with discussions that only their flock would have interest of."
 
Baliff:  "In other words, time for BBQ mutton."
 
JMW:   "Righto.  Defendants, what do you have to say for yourselves."
 
Defendant #1:  "Well, as I said in my 20-part series on why God wants a
moderated net, we can see in the scriptures..."
 
Defendant #2:  "Hold on there.  Who says your religion has any
credentials?  Does it contribute to the United Way?  Does it contribute
to the YWCA?  Does it have the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval?"
 
Defendant #1:  "Well, we KNOW Christ is on our side!  How come we won
WWII?"
 
Defendant #3:  "Well, *I* think that God is an amalgimation of The Holy
Spirit, The Bottled Spirit, Will Eisner's Spirit, Glucose, Nutra-Sweet,
man's basic inhibition to **** in the woods,  and the cosmic power that
binds us all."
 
Defendant #6:  "No, that's not it; you have to look at Judges IV,
chapter III, verse 23, 'For when the Second Coming ariseth, yea, you
shall have signs:  Screwdrivers will be raised against pistols, TV
newspeople will be cloned, Joan Collins will marry, and Doonsebury will
return.'"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant #4:  "I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that I
think the Mormons are *swell*!"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant #3:  "Does not!"
 
Defendant #6:  "Does too!"
 
Defendant  #666:  "Well, I think that there are Gods in my TV set! 
They're role models!  Can't you hear them talking to you?  I can!  If
we could all live together like Timmy and Lassie, well, we'd be in
great shape!"
 
JMW:  "We'd also be in black & white...  I think it's time to get an
expert witness for this case.  Red, call God to the stand."
 
Baliff:  "Stupid People's Court calls The God of Your Choice to the
stand!"
 
(Lights dim.  Thunder rolls.  Suddenly, a shaft of brilliant light
appears over the witness stand, and George Burns appears in the chair)
 
JMW:  "Since we don't want to have to go over 'OH, GOD!' again, let me
ask you just one question:  Do you want these guys representing you in
net.flame?"
 
God:  "Well, net.flame's more in the province of my counterpart, but
frankly, I wouldn't want these guys representing me *anywhere*!"
 
JMW:  "Very well, the court bows to The Creator's opinion; let the
punishment fit the crime."
 
(Lights dim.  Sky splits open.  A huge rubber mallot, resembling the
1000 TON weight that used to appear in early Monty Python sketches
appears over the defendants.  The "BONK" sound effect can be heard for
miles.)
 
JMW:  "The court would like to thank The Creator for his help."
 
God:  "No problem.  You still game for Trivial Pursuits at Kurt &
Renee's on Sunday?"
 
JMW:  "Sure, but only if you're still as lousy at Entertainment as
you've always been."
 
God: "Nobody's perfect." (looks heavenward) "Beam me up, Scotty."
(Disappears in a glow of Paramount's best optical effects).
 
JMW:  Just remember, folks:
 
        1)  Put flames in net.flames... not flameless followups.
 
        2)  In the eyes of the Lord, we're all Bozos.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  If you've got a lame flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.
 
                   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******
 
                                        "Hey, man, I'm an electrician!"
                                           "MAKE MY DAY!  MAKE MY DAY!"
 
                                        Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
                                        John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
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